Thursday, April 24, 2008

(37) How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Dr Henry Cloud

Well, silly me. Apparently, I have been going about this dating thing completely wrong.
I admit that when it comes to finding guys to date, I resort to the online sites. You know. Match.Com. Yahoo Personals, even EHarmony. And I have been pretty picky about what I am looking for in a man. I have refused to even have dinner with anyone who didn't look to have longterm (ie...marriage) potential.
And where has that gotten me? Well it turns out that the last man I went on a date with WAS marriage material. Because he was already MARRIED! And that has only been the first date since the Archeologist dumped me & only the THIRD guy to date since "The One" broke my heart. Well over a year ago. Since starting to read this book, I have gone & deleted the only "active" profile I had (so don't even bother looking!). I decided that I needed to reevaluate this whole dating thing. And once I finished the book, I would create a new one, based off of my new outlook to dating.
Is it painfully obvious that I needed to read this book? *grin*
In his book, How to Get A Date Worth Keeping, Dr Cloud breaks it down for the reader in very easy steps. But first thing is first. He states, rather bluntly, that the end result of dating IS NOT marriage. Yes, you read that correctly, it is not marriage. Rather, dating should be a way to meet new people, engage in conversation, new experiences with new people. Hm, crazy man, I am 32 my clock is ticking (!!) I can't waste time on the losers!. (well, that was my thought when I first read it) But the more I got to thinking about it....
What scares a man most in this world?? Besides a positive pregnancy test?? You got it, a woman who is planning the wedding after the first date. Let's review my dating history....hmm...
too far too fast?? Were they successful relationships? Obviously not.
Ok. So maybe Dr. Cloud is on to something.
The next thing Dr Cloud suggests is keeping a "man chart". You need to keep track of all of the new men you meet in your life. The goal is to meet five, potentially datable men a week. That does not mean that you HAVE to date them. That just means that the potential must be there. They must know your name & have someway to see you or ask you out again if they so choose to do so.
But. But. But.
I never meet new men. I can hear it now. Well. Start the log & find out how many "new" men you meet in the course of the week. And if you truly find yourself not meeting anyone, well, then you need to get out more. :P
In the line at the movies. At a work function. Walking the dog. At the grocery store. At a book signing. At a museum. Strike up a conversation with a complete stranger & you will be suprised at your results.
Oh yeah. And you CAN NOT say no to any requests for a date.
The next thing Dr Cloud suggests is putting together a "team" of people who are close to you to hold you accountable. People who know your past dating history & the type of men you usually fall for. People who care enough about you to call you on your actions when you start making your "Mr Poppins" list. (the list of qualities your PERFECT mate would have).
And that is how far I have gotten in the book. =)
This week has been pretty hectic for me. I have moved & pretty much dedicated all my energy to setting up house.
But Monday is a new week. Monday I will start my log. Monday I will implement Dr Clouds suggestions.
I will track the "new men" in the comment section of this post. And I will let you know how things go. That is my commitment to you.
Anyone willing to make the same commitment?


Lisa Mandina said...

Okay, this sounds similar to the book "The Year of Yes", where she said yes to anyone who asked her out for a period of one year. I also don't meet new people, and am very picky. And I am 35, and want children, so I can't help but think about whether every guy I meet could be a possible mate. I'd take this challenge with you, only, like I said, I don't meet guys. You'll have to let me know how it goes for you, then maybe I'll consider it. I just don't have enough time to meet 5 guys a week. Although I am thinking about quitting my library job, so that may help. Hope you're having fun in your new place.

Charlotte's Web of Books said...

Ok. So maybe I chose the wrong date to start my "new dating" outlook. LOL. PMS is not a good way to start dating.

And as for you, Miss Lisa!! I challenge you to just keep track of all the "new" men that cross your path in a week. I bet you will be suprised.

Next week you can work on "meeting" the men that cross your path.

Me, I will start next week when the PMS is over.

Lisa Mandina said...

But what do you mean by "new" men, is it men that I actually talk to? Cuz I talk to lots of guys that I help at the bookstore, but I wouldn't count them.

Anonymous said...

New men. How many men do you come in contact with that you have never met before? Do you ever just stand & chat with someone in line?

I am going to start the log on Monday.

But this week, I admit that I DID start noticing "new men" and make an extra effort to have a conversation with them.

Like the guy who mowed my lawn today. =)

caron said...

I hesitantly decided to read this book...I was embarrassed when I bought it at Barnes and Noble!!! I am so glad that I did though...b/c I'm getting married in 3 months! You have to have an open mind when you read this book!

Charlotte's Web of Books said...

Did you follow the suggestions of the book? Did you keep a log?

caron said...

I followed it to an extent. I had a group of women who were my "dating support group." I tried to go places that were not in my ordinary routine in order to extend my acquaintance circles. I also joined E-harmony, which I said I would never do. My fiance' and I were both on there for about a month...we met and 9 months later we got engaged! I'm not saying that will happend to everyone. I did try and keep an open mind about EVERYONE. If I had not, I don't think I would have ever initiated talking to my fiance'...and I would have really missed out.

Charlotte's Web of Books said...

I have tried E-Harmony before, and I wasn't too pleased with the quality of men they matched me up with.

But I have noticed that my "open" mind to things have increased the conversations that I have had with customers at work.

I just wish I had the nerve to ask their name & take it further.

caron said...

I agree with the fact that there are a lot of weirdos on e-harmony. One guy sent me a message that said "What do you think of me intilletually, physicilly and spiritually" Or something to that effect. He was always bragging about how "smart" he was, but spelled everything wrong. I'm not saying that you'll find a man on e-harmony...I was just saying you should be open to talking to different men in different situations! E-harmony would have been the LAST place I would have thought I would meet my future husband. I remember telling my girlfriend about 2 days before I met him that "I really, really hope I don't meet anyone on E-harmony...that would be embarrassing!"

Charlotte's Web of Books said...

I have no problems meeting someone met on the internet. Two of my three serious boyfriends were met through yahoo personals.

I met two guys through E-Haromony. And they were the most egocentric, selfish men I had ever met. And if I could tell that on the FIRST DATE(!) well, then they couldn't hide it very well, could they! *grin*

Maybe I will try it again someday. *shrug*

But I admit, I have not been doing my journal like I should. I have basically been hiding out in my house for the last couple of weeks.

I need to change that.

caron said...

sounds like you need to get a "dating support group!" (j/k...I don't want to be too annoying....I just want everyone to find someone!) Plus, I want to read about your experiences on your did say you were going to post them-didn't you?

Charlotte's Web of Books said...

Maybe I do need a team. Maybe I just need to get off the couch! :O

I did run into a situation last night that kind of threw me for a loop. I shouldn't be all THAT suprised because of all of the men I have dated in my life. *sigh*

One of the things I like about Yahoo personals, is that if you have Yahoo Messenger, people can IM people that they like. There is a link on your personals page to your IM. So rather than emailing you get the INSTANT communication.

So this guy IM's me. And we are chatting age, where we are from, what we like to do, etc...

He tells me he lives close to the shopping center I work at. I made the statement that I worked there.

He says "I know"

(This is where I do the Hello Kitty Stare)

Long story short, I have dated him in the past. Like three or four years ago. Two dates & I didn't feel a connection. So I took the chicken shit way out & just didn't return his calls.

Turns out, this guy has been in my store. I have even sold him his books & I have not recognized him. *blush*

He admitted last night that he wanted to ask me out again. But was too shy.

Then he started in on how much he liked me, how much HE felt the connection & how much he wanted to see me everyday & be a part of my life.

HOLY CREEPY,Batman!! I had TWO DATES with this guy. Obviously there wasn't a huge connection because I don't even recognize him in the store.

So, should I have agreed to go out with him again? Given him a second chance, Or should I take out a restraining order???

I usually am a second chance girl. If I don't feel the connection on the first date, I always agree to a second date. As I did with this guy. And sometimes the second dates are phenomenal & sometimes they just are icky.


caron said...

I think you should give the guy another chance....but do it in a safe, public place!!! (One guy wanted to meet me somewhere...and I told my sister where it was so that she could pretend to be a customer there!) I don't think that 2 dates is really enough to know if there's a connection....but then again...I knew after my second date that Joel and I were gonna become serious. All I'm saying...going on a date on a friday night can be better than sitting in front of the t.v. on a Friday night-I know..I've been there! If it does turn out to be really bad...then you'll have another story to add to your list!

Charlotte's Web of Books said...

Well, that ship may have sailed.

But I have a "date" lined up tonight with another ex. We have known each other for almost five years. And dated pretty steadily two years ago.

Almost two years ago exactly, he just disappeared. *poof*

Fast forward to a month ago when he contacts me & says that he was "spooked" by his feelings for me. Never felt that way before, blah blah blah....

We are getting together tonight for drinks.

Wish me luck.

caron said...

How did it go?!

Charlotte's Web of Books said...

Well --as I suspected would happen, Mr.Ex blew me off.

But that's ok, I have been emailing consistently with three different "new" guys & I have tentative plans set up with one of them.

And yet another guy from my past has popped up. Why do they do that??

I am not sure what, if anything will come out of that situation, but I am just going with the flow!!

It is funny, though, I was thinking back to all of my "serious" boyfriends. And EVERY SINGLE one of them had first dates in July.


caron said...

Sorry to hear that. Men are stupid sometimes. It's good that you may have some new guys to go out with though!

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